Overthinking

I’ve always had high expectations for myself.

Recently, while writing a chapter for a book about my childhood and the values I carried into adulthood, I started seeing those expectations in a new way.

Growing up, I believed empowerment, strength, and confidence were simply parts of my personality. Now I understand they were also protection.

In the trauma world, we call this the fawn response. Most people have heard of fight, flight, or freeze. Fawn is talked about less but I see it constantly in my office and, honestly, in myself. It’s when our nervous system tries to stay safe by eliminating conflict and becoming the “easy” person.

It looks like:

• Silencing yourself when you want to express a need

• Saying yes when you want to say no

• Over-giving so no one is disappointed

• Adapting your values to keep connection

• Being the reliable one… even when you’re exhausted

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Have you ever agreed just because? People-pleased? Over-functioned because you knew you could do it better?

Yeah… me too.

These traits helped make me a good boss, a compassionate clinician, and someone people trust.

They also made me tired.

The fawn response started as survival. It helped younger versions of us keep relationships, avoid rejection, and stay emotionally safe. But the same coping strategy that once protected us can quietly become the thing that drains us.

For me, it shows up as:

• Feeling like mistakes equal disappointment

• Saying yes to invitations out of fear I won’t be invited again

• Avoiding boundaries so others don’t feel uncomfortable

• Staying “on” for everyone while ignoring my own limits

  
  

The more I talk about this, with clients, friends, and colleagues, the more I realize how common it is. So many people live in a constant state of emotional accommodation, and they don’t even know why they’re exhausted.

Especially helpers. Especially therapists. Especially the strong ones.

So how do we begin changing it?

Not by becoming selfish. Not by shutting people out. But by teaching the nervous system that connection doesn't require self-abandonment.

Here are a few starting points:

1. Notice the body before you answer

   Before saying yes, pause. Tight chest? Stomach drop? That's information. You are allowed to respond after your body, not before it.

   
   

2. Practice low-stake no's.

   Start small: "Let me check my schedule." or "I can't tonight, but thank you for thinking of me."

   Boundaries grow with repetition, not courage.

   
   

3. Separate disappointment from danger

   Someone being mildly disappointment does not equal rejection or loss of love. Your nervous system learned that one, but that doesn't mean it's true now.

4. Replace performance with presence

   You don't have to earn connection by being useful. Sometimes being human is enough.

5. Give the care you offer others to yourself

   If you wouldn't expect your client or friend to push through exhaustion, why is it required of you?

The goal isn't to remove the part of you that cares deeply about others. It's to stop abandoning yourself to keep them.

Strength isn't always pushing through.

Sometimes strength is staying.