Boundaries vs. Holidays

It’s the middle of October, for some, it’s an exciting time of year. The leaves are changing, the air feels crisp, and the days grow shorter. But for others, it can be a very difficult season — one that feels colder, darker, and more isolating.

And then, there it is, that ever-so-dreaded word: “holidays." The time of year we’re supposed to feel festive and jolly, yet inside many of us feel flooded with mixed emotions.

While the holidays are meant to bring connection, warmth, and family togetherness, for many people they instead bring waves of grief, loneliness, and tension, magnifying old wounds and the sense that we don’t quite belong.

We’ve all been there, that holiday gathering we wanted to attend to reconnect with loved ones and feel a sense of community. Yet once we arrive, we’re met with criticism, judgment, or those subtle, passive comments about how we “don’t quite have our life figured out.”

So what’s really happening here?

We’re setting ourselves up with unrealistic expectations.

We chase perfection instead of authenticity. We forget that unresolved family dynamics and old patterns often resurface the moment we’re all under one roof again.

We bake cookies for hours because “that’s what we’re supposed to do.” We buy lavish gifts to keep up appearances. We scrub our homes spotless to impress guests.

And for what? To hide our imperfections? To seek approval we may never receive?

I get it. I’ve been there too.

But be honest with yourself for just a second....aren’t you tired of it? Aren’t you exhausted from pretending?

So how do we start saying no? How do we set boundaries with the people we love but sometimes struggle with?

Let’s start by clarifying the difference between physical and emotional boundaries.

Physical boundaries are like fences around your home. They mark what’s yours to protect.

Emotional boundaries are more subtle. They allow you to love others while still keeping your peace.

Example:Your mom wants you to spend the whole weekend at her house, but you know you get overwhelmed after one night. You can respond with kindness and clarity:

“I’d love to come for dinner and the events we’ve planned, but I’ll be heading home afterward.”

That’s a boundary, it gives your mom what she wants (time with you) while still honoring what you need. Boundaries aren’t just yes or no. They can sound like: “This is what I can do, and this is what I’m not willing to do.”

Another important piece — reframing your expectations.

Maybe you didn’t make Grandma’s famous rolls this year. Maybe you didn’t have time, or maybe you just didn’t want to — and that’s okay.

Instead of telling yourself, “I have to be perfect,” try saying, “I have to be authentic.” You don’t owe anyone justification. You can simply say, “I know that might be disappointing, but I didn’t have the energy this year, so I did what I could and did my best.”

It’s okay to ask yourself, “What do I need this year?” Not what’s expected of you, from others.

And finally, it’s okay to take a break! If you need to step outside for a breath of fresh air during a family event, do it. You don’t have to force yourself to stay in the party all night long. You’re allowed to walk, stretch, or simply be alone for a few minutes.

Remember...the holidays are just another set of days in the year. No one is forcing you to do anything that doesn’t feel aligned or authentic. You are capable (always), but you must listen to your body, your mind, and your spirit.

And yes, setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable.

But please remember: you are not responsible for other people’s emotions.

You are responsible for your own.

Protect your peace. Honor your truth. You matter.